Category — Funny

New York Gov. David Paterson is under investigation for accepting free Yankees tickets to the World Series. If found guilty, he could be sentenced to free Mets tickets.

The House has passed a $15 billion jobs bill. The bad news is, all of those new jobs are fixing Toyotas.

Just two days after being told by his doctor to cut down on his cholesterol, President Obama went to a Savannah restaurant and had a meal that included fried chicken and blueberry pudding. That’s why he’s in favor of healthcare, he’s going to need it.

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Erma: How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?

Phyllis: Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

Erma: I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.

Phyllis: Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

Erma: My theory on housework is, if the item doesn’t multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?

Phyllis: Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

Erma: Sometimes I can’t figure designers out. It’s as if they flunked human anatomy.

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Keanu Reeves will star in “Speed 3.” The first “Speed” was about a runaway bus, the second was about a boat, and the third one is going to be about a Toyota.

Gatorade has officially ended their relationship with Tiger Woods. He was seeing at least five other sports drinks.

There is a new breakfast cereal out called “Chocolate Cheerios.” Has Cheerios totally given up? Isn’t that just donuts and milk?

MOSCOW – A Russian chimpanzee has been sent to rehab by zookeepers to cure the smoking and beer-drinking habits he has picked up, a popular daily reported on Friday. An ex-performer, Zhora became aggressive at his circus and was transferred to a zoo in the southern Russian city of Rostov, where he fathered several baby chimps, learned to draw with markers and picked up his two vices.

“The beer and cigarettes were ruining him. He would pester passers-by for booze,” the Komsomolskaya Pravda paper said.

It added he has now been transferred to the city of Kazan, about 800 km (500 miles) east of Moscow, for rehabilitation treatment.

I found four cockroaches in a box of Triscuit a few months back, I hate to have to get rid of them but I’m moving to a smaller place and won’t really have the room for them any more. All four of them (Mingus, Dinky, Cleopatra, and Prickly Pete) are house trained and need nothing more than some rotting garbage and an occasional scratch behind the antennae. Rehoming fee of $15 each or $50 for all four, as I would like to see them all stay together.

* Blondes make the best victims. They’re like virgin snow that shows up the bloody footprints.

* When an actor comes to me and wants to discuss his character, I say, ‘It’s in the script.’ If he says, ‘But what’s my motivation?, ‘ I say, ‘Your salary.’

* Always make the audience suffer as much as possible.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

Take my wife… Please!

I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of the hill. – Erma Bombeck

Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face. – Dave Barry

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. – Steven Wright

The sport of skiing consists of wearing three thousand dollars’ worth of clothes and equipment and driving two hundred miles in the snow in order to stand around at a bar and get drunk. – P.J. O’Rourke

A new study found that the Reebok Classic is the most popular shoe worn by burglars. The second most popular shoe worn by burglars: Yours. – Jimmy Fallon

I named my dog ‘Stay’ . . . so I can say “Come here, Stay. Come here, Stay.” – Steven Wright