Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn’t admit he’d forgotten the code…he turned himself in. – Rita Rudner

You know it’s going to hell when the best rapper out there is white and the best golfer is black. – Sir Charles Barkley

Yesterday was Groundhog Day. In fact, when the groundhog came out of his hole, he didn’t even look for his shadow, he just said he was walking away from his mortgage.

Well, it happened again. Two Northwest pilots overshot Minneapolis Airport by 500 miles. They weren’t in a plane, they were in a Toyota. It wouldn’t stop.

I’ve exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars. – Erma Bombeck

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling. – Dave Barry

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother. – Rodney Dangerfield

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid is under fire for discussing whether or not President Obama has a “negro dialect.” Reid is also in trouble for saying Joe Lieberman “talks all Moses-y.” - Conan O’Brien

The most popular boys’ names in 2009 were Ethan, Noah, and Logan. The least popular boy name for 2009: Tiger Madoff Gosselin. – Jay Leno

I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. – Phyllis Diller

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. – Woody Allen