Witty Quotes » 0pt-10px

He Turned Himself In

Quotations — Wed, 10 Feb 2010 11:45:00 +0000

Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn’t admit he’d forgotten the code…he turned himself in. – Rita Rudner

Sir Charles Barkley

Quotations — Sat, 06 Feb 2010 12:33:00 +0000

You know it’s going to hell when the best rapper out there is white and the best golfer is black. – Sir Charles Barkley

Leno Quotes

Quotations — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 10:53:00 +0000

Yesterday was Groundhog Day. In fact, when the groundhog came out of his hole, he didn’t even look for his shadow, he just said he was walking away from his mortgage.

Well, it happened again. Two Northwest pilots overshot Minneapolis Airport by 500 miles. They weren’t in a plane, they were in a Toyota. It wouldn’t stop.

Erma: Here Come the Buzzards!

Quotations — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 12:28:00 +0000

I’ve exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars. – Erma Bombeck

Eating Rice Cakes

Quotations — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 12:08:00 +0000

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling. – Dave Barry

Rodney…..

Quotations — Mon, 18 Jan 2010 12:19:00 +0000

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother. – Rodney Dangerfield

Harry Reid

Quotations — Wed, 13 Jan 2010 12:32:00 +0000

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid is under fire for discussing whether or not President Obama has a “negro dialect.” Reid is also in trouble for saying Joe Lieberman “talks all Moses-y.” - Conan O’Brien

Least Popular Boy’s Names for 2009

Quotations — Sat, 09 Jan 2010 13:03:00 +0000

The most popular boys’ names in 2009 were Ethan, Noah, and Logan. The least popular boy name for 2009: Tiger Madoff Gosselin. – Jay Leno

Eighteen Years Behind

Quotations — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 11:32:00 +0000

I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. – Phyllis Diller

Woody-Some Sort of Sign!

Quotations — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 12:08:00 +0000

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. – Woody Allen