Don’t you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night. – Steven Wright

Don’t confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other. – Erma Bombeck

Need a last minute idea for a Halloween costume?

How about making yourself into “Balloon Boy?”

Big sisters are the crab grass in the lawn of life. – Charles M. Schulz

When a man gives his opinion he’s a man. When a woman gives her opinion she’s a bitch.

Why am I so good at playing bitches? I think it’s because I’m not a bitch. Maybe that’s why Miss Crawford always plays ladies.

With the newspaper strike on, I wouldn’t consider dying.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made. – Groucho

Last Night on “Larry King Live,” CNN’s Dr. Sanjay Gupta demonstrated a new way of doing CPR. Luckily for Larry King, it worked. – Conan O’Brien