* Blondes make the best victims. They’re like virgin snow that shows up the bloody footprints.

* When an actor comes to me and wants to discuss his character, I say, ‘It’s in the script.’ If he says, ‘But what’s my motivation?, ‘ I say, ‘Your salary.’

* Always make the audience suffer as much as possible.

Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn’t admit he’d forgotten the code…he turned himself in. – Rita Rudner

You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

Your grandmother has “ammo” on her Christmas list.

You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

You know it’s going to hell when the best rapper out there is white and the best golfer is black. – Sir Charles Barkley

I’ve exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars. – Erma Bombeck

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling. – Dave Barry

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother. – Rodney Dangerfield

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid is under fire for discussing whether or not President Obama has a “negro dialect.” Reid is also in trouble for saying Joe Lieberman “talks all Moses-y.” - Conan O’Brien

Joan Rivers is reportedly very angry because on Sunday she was prevented from entering the country by airline security. Man, you should have seen the face she wanted to make. – Conan O’Brien

I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. – Phyllis Diller