New York Gov. David Paterson is under investigation for accepting free Yankees tickets to the World Series. If found guilty, he could be sentenced to free Mets tickets.

The House has passed a $15 billion jobs bill. The bad news is, all of those new jobs are fixing Toyotas.

Just two days after being told by his doctor to cut down on his cholesterol, President Obama went to a Savannah restaurant and had a meal that included fried chicken and blueberry pudding. That’s why he’s in favor of healthcare, he’s going to need it.

See the original and other great related posts here

* Blondes make the best victims. They’re like virgin snow that shows up the bloody footprints.

* When an actor comes to me and wants to discuss his character, I say, ‘It’s in the script.’ If he says, ‘But what’s my motivation?, ‘ I say, ‘Your salary.’

* Always make the audience suffer as much as possible.

Yesterday was Groundhog Day. In fact, when the groundhog came out of his hole, he didn’t even look for his shadow, he just said he was walking away from his mortgage.

Well, it happened again. Two Northwest pilots overshot Minneapolis Airport by 500 miles. They weren’t in a plane, they were in a Toyota. It wouldn’t stop.

* Put “eat chocolate” at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you’ll get one thing done.

* Nobody knows the truffles I’ve seen!

* Carob is a brown powder made from the pulverized fruit of a Mediterranean evergreen. Some consider carob an adequate substitute for chocolate because it has some similar nutrients (calcium, phosphorus), and because it can, when combined with vegetable fat and sugar, be made to approximate the color and consistency of chocolate. Of course, the same arguments can as persuasively be made in favor of dirt. -Sandra Boynton, author of Chocolate: the Consuming Passion

I’ve exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars. – Erma Bombeck

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling. – Dave Barry

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother. – Rodney Dangerfield

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid is under fire for discussing whether or not President Obama has a “negro dialect.” Reid is also in trouble for saying Joe Lieberman “talks all Moses-y.” - Conan O’Brien

I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. – Phyllis Diller

“Style is the image of character.”